Your Personal Pace, Part 4

August 7, 2008

I don’t want to do this. I really don’t. But I must. It’s where the Lord has me right now, so I must address this part of anyone’s personal pace.

What do you do with your grief and loss? How does that impact your personal pace of life?

It used to be that when I experienced grief and loss, I did my best to “weep with those who” wept, but wouldn’t grieve much because we “don’t grieve as those who have no hope.” Both of those biblical quotes true and poignant …. and so easily misunderstood.

You see, like many of you, I’m a Pastor. Loss and grief is something my people face every day. Over the years, when you don’t have any grasp on what it means to be “blessed” to be someone who “mourns”, you tend to just pull up your boot straps and just move on.

Until, that is, you end up suffering a loss, or a spattering of losses that cause you to emotionally come to a grinding halt. A painful, yet powerful, lesson I’ve learned is that loss and grief must impact your personal pace. If it doesn’t, something’s wrong.

I don’t mean to sound brash or harsh, but having been one who thought others grieving should get over it and move on, I had to learn that if God grieves, so do I grieve. I can grieve now, as the losses occur, or I will grieve them later, more painfully, and maybe at greater cost to my own health.

I mentioned a few sentences back that this is where the Lord has me.

  • Two church member funerals in two weeks
  • Three funerals in a month
  • A case of cancer gone wrong for one lady I pastor (after four surgical procedure in two months to remove masses, now they will do a full mastectomy)
  • A staff member’s uncle who died suddenly this week
  • My son, whose leg is fine and will be stronger, but who is missing much of his 13th Summer
  • A Pastor in my city who hangs on the brink of life in an ICU after a massive brain hemorrhage 10 days ago
  • A man I pastor who survived a quadruple bypass a few months back and was ready to go back to work right when the need for a pacemaker came into his picture.

I now realize that when I face loss and walk through it with the people I lead, it impacts my personal pace. If I don’t allow room for it, I pay for it later. What does it mean to “make room for it”? A few things:

  • I cry when I feel like it.
  • I slow down my schedule to account for the time spent with grieving friends and relatives.
  • I admit to others that I don’t have all the answers.
  • I do my best to give myself grace to not feel “on top of it” all the time.

This is a piece of personal pace that I don’t like, but I believe it’s a really important one. Is there anything you would add to the list of “make room” allowances?

Posted by Paul | Filed Under Church life, Depression, Life, Margin, Mourning, Pastor, Personal Pace, Rest, Suffering, Things that add life, Things that drain life, death 

Comments

5 Responses to “Your Personal Pace, Part 4”

  1. Kelli on August 8th, 2008 12:40 am

    When my dad died in 8/05, it was after only three months of knowing he had cancer. We were blessed to have a chance to walk those months with him, and say things needed to be said.

    But, when he died we all handled things differently. My mom got angry and lashed out at me for over a year. God is still restoring that relationship.

    5 months after he died, I was on dialysis. And 10 months later, I had to leave my job becasue of it. And in the midst of that John’s dad died.

    So, we are learning alot of grieving. For me, most importantly? Let the process happen. Laugh, cry, deny, whatever. Take it as it comes, and don’t put yourself on a time table.

    There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and at the bottom of it all God is there with open arms.

    On larry King Live tonight, Mary Bath Chapman put it into words something like this: We may fall into the deepest darkest place, on our feet or on our face, but we know the foundation we land on is solid.

    I’m praying for you, dear friend.

  2. Jan Owen on August 8th, 2008 6:20 am

    Paul, you might have read my post on this that I sent you a link to earlier, I don’t know. The main thing I had to learn is that grief will not be denied. It will manifest itself physically and emotionally and even sprititually. To deny our grief would be to deny reality. To live in la la land hoping it will just all go away. And that is the path we take sometimes because the pain is so incredibly deep. To face it and to live within the reality of it takes much energy!

    I think we have to simply “be” alot in our grief, to not push to “do” so much. Be with God, Be with others, just Be! God’s word to me in my grief was to “Be still and know that I am God”. I sat alot, I rested alot, I cried alot. I got tired of it. But it was healing.

    Grief is a process with a purpose: healing. If we don’t submit to the process we don’t heal. After much kicking and screaming, running myself into the ground and just hoping tomorrow would be a different day, I had to simply give in to the graceful work of grief. I told God how I felt. I journaled extensively. I went for long walks and sat at the beach and cried.

    But I learned NOT to push myself.

    I likened pushing yourself when grieving to running on a broken leg. It results in permanent injury and you don’t run very good anyway. And it hurts.

    I think another key is to be honest with God about where you are and to bring that into God’s presence and be with Him in all of your anger, whys?, sorrow, and memories. Wrestle, but wrestle well, with God.

    Eventually grief bears a fruit of compassion and even a changed life. We wait for that day with expectation. But it takes paying attention along the way. So slow down, my friend. Respect the toll all of this has had on your body and mind and emotions and yes, even your spirit. Be with God and rest. See how He is at work.

    On another topic entirely, I am reading “Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership” by Ruth Haley Barton. You should really get a copy. It’s fantastic and would be a great book review for your site. If you have questions let me know. I have lived out the truth of the teachings. She leads the 2 year retreat community I am a part of with other leaders. It’s a book about taking care of your own soul as leaders……it’s fantastic.

  3. Bernie on August 9th, 2008 9:59 am

    We also stop to say: “Lord, you have given me compassion – you are compassionate and allow me to extend that compassion to others.” The conduit of the compassion becomes weary and needs to speak with someone who understands. A few years ago, following two teenage deaths (due to vehicle crash) I dealt with the death notifications of both families. These two families had about 30 to 40 close members in each. So about 70 people gathered at the ER claiming to be immediate family. After 2 1/2 hours of comforting, working the ER door, praying, connecting with law enforcement and media, I stood outside -all were gone. A lone firemen was there as well. He is a believer and friend and it was his cousin that was one of the boys who died. He was also on scene to deal with extracation. So, as I walked towards him we both had the same look and feel. We both were depleted, feeling as though we had run for miles. Nothing left – we hugged and cried and then he spoke of that which only I would understand and I did the same.

    Speaking with someone who ‘gets it’ is essential.

    Knowing we bring compassion to others as the Lord’s instrument is gratifying.

    Belief that we made a difference is uplifting.

    Then – go to the nursery at the hospital and gaze in the window at new life and realize God is good and we are frail.

    Depend upon Him for your strength.

    Read Max Lucado – Traveling Light.

    Run naked in a field and make sure no one is watching. (just checking to see if anyone read my comment! :)

  4. Jan Owen on August 9th, 2008 3:45 pm

    Bernie, I agree so totally – except for your last statement. Ain’t happening. ever. haha

    I was on the scene after they loaded our pastor’s wife (and a friend of mine for 23 years) into the ambulance after she took her own life in a violent manner. I dealt with all notification for our staff and leadership and the next morning at church for our congregation, set up counseling, etc. It was horrible. To this day I can hardly talk about the details of that night. I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and it still plagues me on occasion. It is hard to stop and understand that WE need help after all of that. We just want to help, but it’s hard to even discern that WE need it too in order to be healthy and keep on giving. I had to go to a counselor.

  5. Paul on August 13th, 2008 9:29 pm

    Kelli …. Thanks for the thoughts and prayer! Man, you’ve been through it!

    Bernie ….. naked in a field? Maybe when I’ve lost some of my weight, or at the very least, in the middle of the night only! Thanks for your insights!

    Jan …. as painful as your walk has been, how you’ve walked it out has been exemplary and commendable. I appreciate your participation here!

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